Alexandra Petri

We are withdrawing from the Paris Accords.

But also, it is apparently summer. Hundreds of years have shriveled up and crumpled into dust and blown away on the wind since January, but it is apparently summer now, and you must prepare.

It is necessary that you obtain a Beach Body.

The Beaches are coming inland, and your body must be ready when they come for you.

Consider whether what you are wearing is fit for the Beach.

For too long, coastal elites have hogged the Beach. But now the Beach is coming so that everyone’s body may be a Beach Body.

Have you made a playlist? Do not forget the champagne popsicles. You must be ready. The Beach will soon be here.

Is your hair styled in loose, carefree waves? Do you remember what it felt like to be carefree? Quickly. You must remember. The Beach is coming.

Can you be seen in a bikini? Dare you expose your tender underbelly to the sun and the scrutiny of strangers and be overcome with the same feeling that grips you when you see President Trump going to represent the country abroad, except that you cannot cover him in sunscreen and make the feeling stop?

Anyway, bring a towel. Bring a lot of towels. Absorbent ones.

Look, the ghost forests are creeping across the landscape. The Beach cannot be far behind. Do you have a helmet so that if a bald cypress that cannot live in brackish water falls, your head will be protected? Where is your helmet? You must obtain a helmet quickly.

Put on sunscreen.

Put on more sunscreen.

Whatever happens, you must cover yourself in sunscreen. Soon you will not have health care, either, and you cannot afford weakness. You had better cover your entire body in sunscreen, just to be safe. Any sign of weakness, and they will fall upon you. You must have discernible abs—or what will happen?

Relax. Soon you will be at the Beach. Relax. Let the water cover you.

You are standing on asphalt and the ocean seems far away. Too bad. The Beach is coming. Is your body ready?

Look at what you are reading. Consider whether it is a fit beach read. Climate data? It is much too heavy, probably. No time to furrow your brow and look gloomy. You are at the Beach. You must let go of those cares. Until the hurricane comes, at least. (You must also prepare your Hurricane Body.)

Mmm, smell that salt spray! There will be even more saltwater, soon.

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Do not read the newspaper. It is not good beach reading. Newspapers tend to blow away and inconvenience plovers, not that many plovers’ nests will survive this, probably. Still.

Relax.

Maybe China and India will do something and it will be fine.

You should apply more sunscreen. Have you brought something to float on?

Close your eyes. Breathe. Hear those waves, nearer and nearer and higher and higher.

What if the water covers you? What if the water covers everything? Will you look your best then? Will your city look its best? You must consider these things.

Do not cry. Already there is too much saltwater.

The Beach is coming, and you must look your best.

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